“Where have you been?” “I have been fighting something… UGLY”

Athos to Porthos — Three Musketteers

So, my great Uncle and his wife blew in about 2 days ago. It was quite the unexpected visit. Nonetheless, it was a good visit. My mom had no idea how she was going to keep them entertained for the evening they were here. I ended up starting a religious debate with my uncle. He and his wife are very devout Christians, and when i mean devout i mean bible thumping devout. He ended showing me a slight error in my thinking but I think he was a expecting a pushover debate due to the fact that i am so young. Either way, I think we both ended up teaching each other something. Out of this, it inspired me to watch one of my absolute favorite movies again. Kingdom of Heaven. A quote from one of the main characters just so happens to fit me ish.

“I put no stock in religion. By the word “religion”… I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of God. I have seen too much religion in the eyes of too many murderers.

Holiness is in right action and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves. And goodness — What God desires resided in both the heart and the mind. By what you decided to do every day, you will be a good man. Or not.” — The Hospitaler

This is something that most people probably dont know about me, unless you are an empath. I see to be really depressed as of late, and have been for a while. Everytime I seem to be on track something comes in and stands in the way. I have started relieving the stress on me but then when i talked to my bank and they said i was pretty much broke, I sank even lower. i have never really managed to find the one missing piece of my puzzle. I know what piece it is but i cannot seem to find it, or it just keeps eluding me. I have looked and looked and looked but its just not there. It always seems to be that i find it but then it turns out not the right piece. If you dont understand my analogy just come and talk to me. But for those who do, you might understand my pain. I constantly have so much shit running through my head that i cannot sort out for the life of me. I wish i could but there doesnt seem a way for me to. I have everything in life most 22 year old people or just people in general could want. I own 3 cars, a motorcycle, my own house, an atv. I have great friends and family. I have awesome hobbies that keep me out of trouble, but there is still that one thing that hangs in the balance. Its like being so thirsty and the drink is right next to me but i cant drink it. Just when i think there is a small glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel, something comes to me and says it just may not be there. FML. Sorry for the long bitchfest of a rant but i needed to get it out. If  I didnt i think i would just break down.

“Do I have nothing good left to say?
Do I need whiskey to start fueling my complaints?
People love to drink their troubles away.
Sometimes I feel that I’d be better off that way.

‘Cause maybe then I could sleep at night.
I wouldn’t lie awake until the morning light.
This is something that I’ll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me, I know.
I know, I know.

So here’s to living life miserable.
And here’s to all the lonely stories that I’ve told.
Maybe drinking wine will validate my sorrow.
Every man needs a muse and mine could be the bottle.

Maybe then I could sleep at night.
I wouldn’t lie awake until the morning light.
This is something that I’ll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me, I know.

Finally, I could hope for a better day.
No longer holding on to all the things that cloud my mind.
Maybe then the weight of the world wouldn’t seem so heavy.
But then again I’ll probably always feel this way.

At least I know I’ll never sleep at night. (Sleep at night)
I’ll always lie awake until the morning light. (Til the morning light)
This is something that I’ll never control.
My nerves will be the death of me.” Dallas Green(City and Colour) — Death of Me

You know, you really got to love life. All of its ups and downs, its constant roller coaster that never really stops even though you wish it could. That curve ball life has that is just not all that great either. Everyone always says, “Just as it seems when everything you believe is going right, life just through me another curveball.” Its true and it has once again happened to me. Just when i thought everything was in order minus a couple of little details, there is life with that curve out of nowhere. I found out today that my finances are going down the shit tube. I have managed to deplete myself so bad they are closing my trust account and just giving me the rest. I must make it last till i can find a job. If i dont i will be in some serious trouble. I will have no way to pay for anything. Having no money will literally sever me from everyone i care about and love. The idea of that scares me to death. I would not be able to handle that. So, if anyone knows of places are hiring for minor computers tech, fork lift experience, minor electrical, please let me know. I have other abilities but i really do not want to go into them.

”Someone come and, someone come and save my life, Maybe I’ll sleep when I am dead. But now it’s like the night is taking sides. With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind. Could it be this misery will suffice?” — Dallas Green(City and Colour) — Sleeping Sickness

Have you ever sat there and cared for someone so much that it hurts? Have you ever sat back and wondered whether or not they felt the same way? The question sits there in your mind, crashing around. All you can think about is the two possible outcomes hoping that the better of the two is the one they choose as their answer. You hope to god or whatever higher power that they don’t say they don’t. For someone who is so damned afraid of rejection, it tears them apart from the inside. It scares them to death. You also hope to that higher power that your timing is right, because if it is not it could destroy all hopes and dreams. The thing is though, do we ever really know when the time is right? I think it is a huge matter of opinion.

“Dressed to kill you look so right. I am drunk with lust tonight. Your wounds are opening wide. That they might be just my size.” — Alexisonfire Side Walk When She Walks

Holy Crap people i have made it to tumblr. Isn’t this an amazing sight to see. I am doing this so that i can help myself keep track of peopleand how they are doin. yay just another thing to check every day but its not so bad.